Sometimes, I get this strange fear that I'm never going to grow old.
I know it sounds kind of depressing. Actually... it is. But don't worry, I'm not depressed about it.
I was making some apple pancakes earlier. I was all alone in my home; it was beautiful. I had the sound track from Jane Austin's Pride and Prejudice playing quietly in the family room, and I hadn't spoken a word in hours. I had taken a shower and my hair was lying loosely around my shoulders, still damp and it smelled wonderful. I was feeling much too free to wear jeans, so I had slipped into a pink, flowy dress.
It really was nice to have the place to myself for the day.
I find such enjoyment in experimenting with pancake recipes. This time I chose to juice my own apples and use organic peanut butter. They turned out great, and I ate them with a smile on my face (adding on more globs of butter than any human probably should).
I went to the sink to clean up the kitchen a bit. We have a dish washer, but I guess hand-washing sounded enticing for some strange reason. Dish by dish, bubble by bubble, I cleaned and cleaned. Until I came to the bowl with the left over pancake batter. Ooo, I just couldn't resist!
I submerged my hands deep down into the gooey batter and began to play around, giggling all by myself.
But then it hit me...
I looked up and saw an empty chair. It was the weirdest feeling. I just all of a sudden had this fear that I wont grow old.
I know God has an amazing plan for my life. I know that there is so much in store for me. But I have this odd, subtle feeling down deep in my heart that doesn't see myself as an old woman. I don't understand it. I don't wish for it either. But it's there.
Who am I to say what the future holds? I'm 17. I have so much ahead of me and so much to look forward to. It seems as though it was only days ago that I couldn't wait to turn 12 (you can take the bigger doses of medicine once you're 12, or at least that's what it says on the bottles..) And I couldn't imagine myself as an adult. But yet, here I am nearing adulthood.
I want to be an old woman, I do. But much later of course. I want to be able to look back at my life and see something so full, so alive, and so beautiful. I want to to be married forever to someone who kisses me passionately way passed 75, and have tons of incredible children and even more grandchildren, all so precious and wonderful.
I hope I can be old. I think i probably will. But I do have to say, it's so weird to have a feeling such as this...