Growing Old

Sometimes, I get this strange fear that I'm never going to grow old.


I know it sounds kind of depressing. Actually... it is. But don't worry, I'm not depressed about it.


I was making some apple pancakes earlier. I was all alone in my home; it was beautiful. I had the sound track from Jane Austin's Pride and Prejudice playing quietly in the family room, and I hadn't spoken a word in hours. I had taken a shower and my hair was lying loosely around my shoulders, still damp and it smelled wonderful. I was feeling much too free to wear jeans, so I had slipped into a pink, flowy dress. 
It really was nice to have the place to myself for the day.


I find such enjoyment in experimenting with pancake recipes. This time I chose to juice my own apples and use organic peanut butter. They turned out great, and I ate them with a smile on my face (adding on more globs of butter than any human probably should). 


I went to the sink to clean up the kitchen a bit. We have a dish washer, but I guess hand-washing sounded enticing for some strange reason. Dish by dish, bubble by bubble, I cleaned and cleaned. Until I came to the bowl with the left over pancake batter. Ooo, I just couldn't resist!


I submerged my hands deep down into the gooey batter and began to play around, giggling all by myself. 


But then it hit me...


I looked up and saw an empty chair. It was the weirdest feeling. I just all of a sudden had this fear that I wont grow old.


 I know God has an amazing plan for my life. I know that there is so much in store for me. But I have this odd, subtle feeling down deep in my heart that doesn't see myself as an old woman. I don't understand it. I don't wish for it either. But it's there.


Who am I to say what the future holds? I'm 17. I have so much ahead of me and so much to look forward to. It seems as though it was only days ago that I couldn't wait to turn 12 (you can take the bigger doses of medicine once you're 12, or at least that's what it says on the bottles..) And I couldn't imagine myself as an adult. But yet, here I am nearing adulthood. 


I want to be an old woman, I do. But much later of course. I want to be able to look back at my life and see something so full, so alive, and so beautiful. I want to to be married forever to someone who kisses me passionately way passed 75, and have tons of incredible children and even more grandchildren, all so precious and wonderful. 

I hope I can be old. I think i probably will. But I do have to say, it's so weird to have a feeling such as this... 

So. Happy.

Hey you guys!


I know. I know.... I KNOW.
No blog post in yada yada however long. unacceptable. 
So, this is a quick check in! You know, the kind of thing that parents like. The whole "Hey, Im here, im going here now, and I'll be home at this time." kind of thing. 


So, my life right now is amazing. Seriously life is SO GOOD. And I keep thinking to myself of how much I've had to write about lately. You know, I think I get really caught up in expecting everything I write to be some sort of deep, outstanding masterpiece. Well, as I have been reading through millions of blogs lately, I've realized that I thoroughly enjoy the kinds of blogs that are real. Real people, with real lives, with true quirkiness. 


I love quirky people, I really do.


So guess what, I'm expanding myself. Im going to continue writing those deep, heartfelt stories and such. But I'm also going to start sharing my life. Because i think if I can be happy and enjoy all that I have and love where I'm at, then I sure want to share that with you. If I can share some of the happiness with you, then by golly  gosh I'm going to share!


Forgive me, again... I really ought to post more. And I will. 


Anyways. Im going to challenge you, dearest reader of mine, to look at your life and find everything that's going good. Even people with really crappy lives have at least ONE good thing going for them. Lately, as I've been pondering my life, I can see that the more I focus on the positive things around me, the more my entire outlook is affected in a positive way. And the more I continue to just step back and thank God for all He has done for me, the more I have to thank Him for. 


God loves us so much. Gosh! He loves us so much! 


Well. My friends. Nice chatting with you. I hope you all just take a few minutes.. (seriously, you can take a few minutes out of your day..) to ponder all the good things going on in your life. What can you thank God for today? Start setting your mind on the good things, because honestly this world is too full of negative poop. 


Tay (: 

Oh yea. Well, I went to a baby shower and saw a sock monkey. I told my friend that i have ALWAYS wanted one of those little guys. You know, so I have something to pass down to my little kiddos someday in future. Guess who found one at a yard sale the other day? Yea, me. God just loves me. A lot.


Her name is Nita. We decided to go on a road trip together. (:

Ahg.

Ahg.


It's been a while, hasn't it? There always seems to be such a great length of time between my blog posts. Sometimes months will pass before I write anything to share with the world. The small world of my blog, that is.


It's quite funny to me though. I really do write, I promise you this. I write constantly, day in and day out. Almost to the point of writing too much. But then again, it's never enough.


Perhaps it takes a night like this to force my tired body to the computer? I thought to myself, about three hours ago... "I'm going to go to bed early tonight, I could use the rest." 


Nope.


The once in a blue moon i decide to go to bed early, I can't seem to sleep. No, my friends, of course not. Instead, a raging storm of deep thoughts blow about my little mind!


It's been driving me insane the last few hours. Yes, my soft, pastel blankets are mighty cozy and the temperature simply perfect for a good night of sweet dreams. But there is this strange irritation building within. It's as though the center of my brain is all itchy. Like I got some stupid rash from a bush. And guess what... i'm all  out of itching powder!! - or cream?


But seriously. I can't pin it. I can't identify what it is that is bothering my mind so severely. I wrestled with the idea of posting a blog for a bit now.


"Hmm, maybe writing will clear my mind - kind of like taking out the garbage."


"No, Taylor, you need sleep. You have to wake up early."


But guess who's here now? With her blankets wrapped about her shoulders and an obnoxious ceiling fan blaring it's yellow, breezy light upon her face.... Traces of some sort of healthy-garlic-cracker on her breath from the lousy attempt of a midnight snack.


Maybe i'll sleep this one off....




Well. I tried. I posted a blog.

Myself

It seems as though the only thing this world revolves around is other people. My mind is disturbed day in and day out by the notions of others and the ideas of those whom I care too highly of. My heartbeat is confused for she beats to a multitude of various rhythms. 

In the recess of my  conjuring soul lies something I dearly long for. I long to find myself.

Oh, how wonderful it seems to come face to face with my true identity. Beyond the tainted fantasies of other hearts, beyond the churning of multiple realities, there has to be a space which only my desires can intrude. Where my dreams are all their own, and my ambitions breathe deeply.  

Is there any way to reveal my own passions void of those who surround me? There must be something one can do to unearth the organic nature of oneself. If I were nothing but an idea, without even the slightest hint of outside inspiration, what would I envision? 

If I could be painted as a color, what spectrum would I exist out of? If my soul was merely words, what story would it tell? Something beautiful I suppose. Or at least I can only hope that if one were to read through the pages of my inquisitive countenance they might discover something of beauty. Something worthy to read at least. 

I wish I could simply strip away all else. I want to dig past things which have influenced me, deeper than even the words of this world could even hope to describe. I know, without the slightest doubt, that so much more lies beneath this placid chest of mine. 

As human souls, we feed off one another. We grasp onto the journey of another’s mind, and ride along for a brief duration until we notice something more enticing. How interesting it is, how rare it seems that all we are made of consists of both internal as well as external materials. We are all fabricated from the inside out, but how wild it is to believe that we are constructed from the outside in as well. It is as though we stand as a building, being painted within and mortared on our exterior. 

Oh, how strange the melodies we are, whose composers are abounding. But perhaps, just maybe, the raw material of my very own soul was never lacking the ideas of another. If I was all my own how would I have come to be?  If there was a beginning of myself, then it seems impossible to be untainted for there was something who created me. Someone who created all that I am. 

For in the beginning of my existence there was a being who knew everything I was, am and will become. His creativity branded it’s iron signature upon my genesis. Even before the moment that I came to be, He had formed something beautiful within the depths of time itself. My first heartbeat; the origin of the first note with which my melody should ring out into the corners of reality. 

Preceding the birth of my own body and soul, an overflowing river of love penetrated every crevice of my life. Before my mind could convey it’s first perception, there He was, the painter, composer, the potter and author. For it is He who inspires the beauty and life swelling forth from inside me. From the center of my chest, it is here that He resides. Every creative idea stems from all He is - as though I were the smallest of branches among the indomitable fortress of an ancient Oak. 

By mind buds from within the nutrients of His roots, and my petals reach out towards the beauty of who He is. 

As I swim deeper, dive further inside of myself, it is not I whom I face, yet it is something much more. For at the center of myself I find the One who created me. 

And this... is more fascinating than any idea ever conceived. 

Once Upon A Time...

Once upon a time...

   these four words so easily fit into the beginning of a story. Whether that be a love story, an adventure or a fairy tale, it has just always seemed to fit. Some of the best stories though, seem to include an introduction that exempts such a cliche of an opening sentence. Words that grab your attention like an iron fist, questions that eradicate mundane notions and sometimes a phrase that sucks you into a deep, dark hole of undiscovered occurrences.
     Regardless of the shape, form or conduct, the first sentence makes or breaks the deciding factor between going forth through the door or staying comfortably on this side of the world.

  I have read many stories in my life. Since my mind was barely developed to understand simple words and conjunctions, I've mulled my imagination through countless books, letters, poems, articles, papers, blogs and the such. All of these have an introduction. Each and every story starts somewhere.

  My favorite?

             In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

Satisfy Me

Satisfaction.

We use this word so loosely sometimes. We finish a big steak and we say, "Im quite satisfied!" We sit amongst friends and chat and giggle and drink sweet tea and think to ourselves, "I'm so satisfied right now!" We spend time with family during the holidays and unwrap little treasures and sit in a cozy heap by a smouldering fireplace; all the while telling ourselves how satisfied we are. We lay within the warmth of the arms of a lover, smiling and knowing... or so we think... that we are satisfied.

Yet, how we continue to pursue after satisfaction. A few bites of steak is not enough; we want the whole thing. We spend a few minutes with a friend, but we want to linger longer. The handful of gifts we've received, oh, how we silently wish we would have gotten that one special thing we had asked for. The warmth of their arms is not nearly enough to satisfy this longing within our hearts, no matter how we may try to convince ourselves.

We search and we dig. We run throughout the crevices of this world, longing for something to satisfy the craving beating deep within. This unknown desire. This drumming in our ears that never seems to go away regardless of the noise we fill our lives with. The bleeding that never stops, despite the many layers of bandaging we've covered ourselves with.

We say to ourselves, "Oh, how satisfied I am." But all the while we are yearning, longing, thirsting for more.

So much more.


       My heart beats with the mention of Your name.

 My soul stirs to the sound of Your voice. With every passing day I feel Your extraordinary love run through my veins. My purpose, my hope, my desires and dreams- a living pool in the palm of your hand. You love me..... Completely.

Every dark corner and each broken piece... Your light saturates my spirit and heals my wounds. I am so captivated, so intrigued by everything that you are! The more I search, the more I find. The more I dig, deeper and deeper, I find more in you. There is no end to Your love. Im drowning in Your presence, I'm sinking further into You.

Oh God, my savior, my Father. How I love you! How I adore all You are.

My Jesus, the lover of my soul.

You satisfy me.